I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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