Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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