My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
