i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
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I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
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I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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