I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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