All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
false alarm, still single
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
