I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I need a beard to bite.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
