conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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