Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
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The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
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A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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