I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
