I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
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Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
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It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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