I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
