Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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