i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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