Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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