Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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