Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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