I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
