Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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