I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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