I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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