Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
