im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
