Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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