you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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