Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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