I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Oh god it's open bar.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
