This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
