bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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