I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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