My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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