I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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