those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
