I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
