Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
