Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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