You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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