....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
