Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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