Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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