Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize