Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
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She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
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I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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