i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
