someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize