Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
