I must be too annoying 4 u.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
