we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
