There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
