Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
