His hands were made for my vagina.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
