True but thats because hes a fetus.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
