I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
