I'm sorry my penis didn't work
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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