Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
