she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
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