You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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