My sheets look like a crime scene.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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