I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
