I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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