Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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